The Fish Trick

I don’t know if any of you have ever been fed candy by your coaches at halftime, but if you have, you’ll know about the fish trick. The fish trick is when your coach gives you Swedish Fish in the middle of a game, hoping to spark your energy by giving you a sugar rush. Being me, I would be the last person to argue. Candy in between halves? I’m all in! But, I’ve found it hard to believe that a little red, gummy fish can make much of a difference in the second half of my soccer games. So curiosity may have killed the cat, but it left me perfectly fine. I searched for my answer on the Internet (the all-knowing, all-powerful. Mac stores? Giant shrines to today’s new best friend, the Internet. Of course, this is beside the point. And since I am no technology expert, I won’t pretend to know any more about it).

Now, typing ‘the fish trick’ into the search bar on Google didn’t do much. I guess not many people call it that (especially because I just made up that nickname for the purposes of this blog. It was a short title, you know? More appealing than Why Do Some Coaches Feed Their Athletes Candy in the Middle of their Games? Plus, that was much too long. Let me know if you can think of anything better).

From my reliable source, Yahoo! Answers, I discovered that the sugar in candy does give you a quick energy boost in the middle of a game. But it also depends on how much candy you eat. Does one little red gummy do the trick? And a sugar rush, as told by Yahoo! Answers, will roughly last from a half hour to an hour, depending on how much you eat. Now I’m assuming that one little red fishy will have you on the shorter end of that range, but even if I didn’t assume that, would you want to take the risk? Crashing from a sugar rush makes you instantly exhausted and sluggish.

Soccer games are split into two 45-minute halves. If you’re lucky, the crash wouldn’t hit you until after the game. But there’s a fair chance that it could zip away all of your energy and leave you melting away in the middle of the field sometime during the second half. (Well, I don’t think it’s that dramatic. But you will suddenly feel tired.)

For those of you who have never heard of the fish trick before, because your coaches haven’t fallen for it’s pseudo magical powers like some of mine have, than you’re in luck. No risk! But for those of you who are ever offered the little red fishy, feel free to decline. For those of you who took my advice (yay!), but are still looking for energy and want to avoid the forsaken ‘crash’, what do you do? Is there no hope? Well, don’t fear, because there is. Gatorade replenishes your electrolytes without giving you that crash that can be detrimental to the last few minutes of your game, the minutes that really count. And they’ve even created this new Gatorade Series that has five million different parts, a goop, a drink, and a shake. So how could they not know what they’re talking about? They do, I assure you they do. Why do you think so many athletes endorse their product? (Well, obviously because they get paid millions of dollars if they simply say they drink the stuff. But still, they must think it works if they’re willing to endorse it, right?) So the moral of the story is… say NO to the little red fishy, but drink the multicolored, electrolyte-packed Gatorade ocean that he swims in.

Playing Like a Tomato

If you ever want to make a quick friend, offer a redhead sunscreen. This weekend, I got fried. Charred, Sizzled, and Super-baked (without Pam sprayed on the tray). Now don’t worry, I clipped my coupons and got 2 free bottles of Aloe with the one bottle of sunscreen I bought at Walgreens (ironic deal, I know). And everyone’s always nicer when you’re sunburned. My friend suggested I soak in milk, and the lady in the beauty department at the mall gave me free lotion (score!). But despite my best efforts, I can’t deny the fact that my skin is the color of a ripe tomato or a freshly painted fire hydrant (the one that the dog hasn’t peed on yet, I hope).

Although my friends and the lady at the mall have been sympathetic, my coach was not. Well, he was, but not to the degree of letting me skip practice. Which I suppose, is understandable. Because I wasn’t sick and wasn’t injured. But how well can I play when every time I bend my arms or knees, my skin crinkles? And not in the, oh-how-wonderful, I’m-unwrapping-a-candy-bar crinkle way, but in the utterly painful, hey-my-skin’s-not-supposed-to-crinkle way. Yes, I should’ve remembered to put on sunscreen. And to make up for it, I wore a long-sleeve shirt and sweats to practice (which quickly came off, because, as you guessed, it was sweltering hot). But how can I play my best when I’m hobbling around the field trying not to bend my knees? I felt like I was Frankenstein’s wife after being dropped in a pool of red Kool-Aid. And while this sounds funny now, at the time it was awful. Because when you’re sunburned, you’re not only reluctant to bend your joints, but also in the worst attitude ever imaginable. When I’m sunburned, it takes all of my energy to keep from cussing at the sun. If it were a bit closer (and if that didn’t mean our imminent end on earth), I would have surely socked the sun in the face by now. When not sunburned, I’m one of the cheeriest, happiest people I know. But once my skin turns that dark shade of red (akin to the Hulk’s dusky green), negative energy drips from my pores and I only speak in angry grunts. (Well, not actually. But how legit would that be?)

As an athlete, sunburns are some of the worst injuries you can get (from the category of injuries that you’re allowed to play on, of course. Compared to sprained ankles and torn ACLs, I’d definitely pick the sunburn). Now how you use this story is up to you. You could read this entry and think, ‘What a good idea! We’ll sabotage the other team by stealing their sunscreen the day before game day, and then lure them into the sun with candy and popsicles!’ (I hope you aren’t thinking that though, because that would be a bit bizarre.) Or you could read this entry and think, ‘Wow, note to self: put on sunscreen before I go to practice today.’ Or I suppose you could read this entry and think nothing of it at all. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t burn, I’m jealous. But you don’t have to pay attention to this entry. Go on with your perfectly sunburn-free day, and enjoy your unburnable skin. However, as for the rest of you, please wear sunscreen!